HANOVER – The Pessimist comes around the corner and hears his name called. His real name. The Optimist, sitting at an outside table, beckons the other fellow to join him.
The Optimist: It’s such a gorgeous day I thought we’d enjoy a last little bit of summer.
The Pessimist: Summer? Bah humbug. I'll have you know this is the first night since last winter when the time of sunset here in Hanover starts with a 5. It won’t start with a 6 again until March.
The Optimist: Thanks for pointing that out, but I’m going to enjoy this day just like I enjoyed Saturday, where coincidentally we beat Merrimack.
The Pessimist: I wouldn’t revel too long in that win. Seriously, all you did was edge out a Division I charlatan who had two chances to ruin your day from the 13-yard line in the final minute.
The Optimist: But we didn’t let them, did we? Look, not all wins are things of beauty. They honored the undefeated 1996 Dartmouth team at halftime Saturday, and you may recall they barely survived Harvard, 6-3. Heck, against Brown that legendary team needed a field goal with 90 seconds left, an all-time Brown wide receiver to let the winning touchdown slip through his fingers, and a stop on the game’s final play at their own 11 to hold on, 27-24. Just like that team, I’ll take a win any way I can get one, including this week at Columbia.
The Pessimist: I'm not sure you want to be comparing yourself to the 10-0 '96 team. You guys are 2-3 with, let me count ‘em up, one win in a row. The two teams you’ve beaten are a combined 4-8. Columbia, meanwhile, has won four straight games and is 4-1.
The Optimist: They have been beyond lucky. They won their first two games in overtime and last Friday night needed a bonehead play on the game’s final play to beat a Penn team we already beat. If the Quakers just down the ball instead of rushing their kicking team on the field, they win.
The Pessimist: OK, two things. Make it three. First, it’s not like you crushed Penn. You beat them by four points. Second, even if the Quakers had downed the ball, they would have had to make a 51-yard field goal to win that game. Third, and most importantly, you edged Penn at home. Columbia did it on the road, a much tougher ask.
The Optimist: Boy, do I dislike people calling a task an “ask.” Back to Columbia, we crushed them last year, 49-3 and have beaten them four years in a row and six of the last seven.
The Pessimist: You do realize it is their Homecoming, right?
The Optimist: I know that. I also know they haven’t won a Homecoming game since 2021.
The Pessimist: I’m not sure how many of their fans even realize that because they really do Homecoming right down there. Even visiting fans can see that.
The Optimist: You make a rare good point. Now, after Columbia, we’ve got Harvard, and we’re not going to lose on our Homecoming.
The Pessimist: I agree totally.
The Optimist: Stop the presses. You really agree we are going to beat Harvard?
The Pessimist: Don’t be silly. I agreed you weren’t going to lose on Homecoming because you already won your Homecoming game. It was against Penn.
The Optimist: Oh yeah. With Harvard on the schedule, holding Homecoming against Penn was a little anticlimactic.
The Pessimist: Or preclimactic, if there is such a word.
The Optimist: I don’t think there is, but I get what you are saying. Anyway, after handing Harvard its first loss, we deal Princeton its first Ivy League loss the next week.
The Pessimist: Let’s back up for a second. It’s Harvard-Princeton this week. If Harvard is undefeated when you play them, they will have beaten Princeton, so the Tigers will already have one loss when you go down there.
The Optimist: Detail, details. The point is we’re going to beat them both, and when we do, we will still control our own fate.
The Pessimist: It won't matter unless you beat Columbia and that won’t be easy. They have one of the best run games in the Ivy League, a fabulous freshman wide receiver, and a veteran QB who, when he is good, is very good.
The Optimist: Two things. I like the way you qualify your description of their quarterback. And second, I notice you didn’t say anything about their defense. For your information, they are last in the league in scoring defense, allowing 28.2 points per game.
The Pessimist: OK, where were we? Right, we were up to Princeton, which is 4-1 just like Columbia.
The Optimist: And we’ll take care of them just like we take care of Columbia Saturday. Then we’ve got Cornell, which won Saturday, but they don’t impress me.
The Pessimist: Apparently they impressed everyone else last week when they ran up 600 yards of total offense and handed Lehigh their first regular-season loss in two years.
The Optimist: Lehigh was overrated.
The Pessimist: Maybe, but I don’t recall you saying that back when you gave them a pretty good game in the opener.
The Optimist: By beating Columbia, Harvard, Princeton, and Cornell in order, all we have to do is beat Brown for at least a share of the Ivy League title.
The Pessimist: I think you put the “all we have to do” in the wrong place. It should be “all we have to do” is beat Columbia, Harvard, Princeton, and Cornell in that order. I wish you luck doing that.
The Optimist: Thanks! It won’t be easy, but we’ve clearly not played our best football yet. I’m confident we can run the table if we do.
The Pessimist: I think Columbia can say the same thing. So can Harvard, Princeton, Cornell, and Brown. You’ve got to give me something more than “if we do.”
The Optimist: OK, how about “when we do?”
The Pessimist: What say we take them one at a time, OK?
The Optimist: Good enough. Let’s talk again next week after we beat Columbia.
The Pessimist: We’ll talk again either way. See you next week. Indoors.