HANOVER – While The Pessimist chats up their usual server at the door, The Optimist sits impatiently at the usual table studying a sheet of paper he brought from home.
When The Pessimist finally sits down The Optimist immediately slides the paper in front of his old friend.
The Optimist: Before you tease me about another heartbreaking loss, I want you to look at what I found.
The Pessimist: Not gonna happen.
The Optimist: You won’t look at these numbers?
The Pessimist: Of course I will. What I’m not going to do is tease you about another heartbreaking loss. You’ve suffered enough. Now, what’s on the paper?
The Optimist: This is what that BGA guy pulled up showing how tough our schedule has been. If you want to know why we are 0-2, this is your explanation.
The Pessimist: I sometimes wonder if that BGA guy spends all day in his mother’s basement lost on the internet trying to find arcane facts and statistics.
The Optimist: I wouldn’t be surprised. But the point is, the numbers show we’ve played one of the most difficult schedules in the country and despite that we are just two or three plays from being 2-0.
The Pessimist: I don’t need that guy’s numbers to know you’ve had a challenging schedule, but that’s not why you are 0-2. You are 0-2 because you couldn’t run the ball or stop the run at Lehigh. And because you couldn’t throw the ball or stop Monmouth from throwing it last week.
The Optimist: That’s pretty harsh.
The Pessimist: Come to think of it, you are a little like a good golfer who doesn’t know if he’s going to miss the fairway to the left or miss it to the right.
The Optimist: Go on.
The Pessimist: If the golfer hits it left every time, the correction is easy. If the player hits it right every time, the correction is easy. But when shots go left or right arbitrarily it’s a big problem because you don’t know what the fix is.
The Optimist: And that has to do with us, how?
The Pessimist: Think about it. If trouble with the run game cost you both the Lehigh and Monmouth games the key would be to prop up the run game and win the next one. If the trouble was the pass game both times, the key would be to fix that and win the next one. You don’t know what to fix.
The Optimist: I think that’s a bunch of hooey. We’re just fine and we’ll prove it starting Saturday against a struggling Penn team.
The Pessimist: The Quakers are 1-1, which the last time I checked is better than 0-2.
The Optimist: True, but we have one common opponent. We lost our opener to Lehigh in the last minute, at their place, not knowing who we would see at quarterback. Penn lost to Lehigh at home, after having a chance to fully scout the quarterback they would see. Oh, and we lost by four points. Penn lost, 20-7, but it was 20-0 until the final two minutes.
The Pessimist: I grant you the Quakers stumbled in the rain last week, but don’t forget how dominant they were against Bucknell in their opener, which coincidentally also ended 20-7. They held the Bison to six first downs, 124 total yards and just 40 yards rushing.
The Optimist: Bucknell isn’t exactly a powerhouse. They are 1-4 and lost last week, 59-0.
The Pessimist: It was an ugly score, but keep in mind that loss was to FBS Pitt. I notice you didn’t mention their 17-16 loss to a Villanova team that at the time was ranked No. 17/18, higher than the Monmouth team that just beat you. Bucknell was a good win for Penn.
The Optimist: Penn starts a freshman quarterback who was 18-for-37 for 133 yards and two interceptions last week and the Quakers didn’t exactly help him with just 49 yards rushing. I’m not impressed. Beating them and getting off to a 1-0 start in the Ivy League before heading down to Yale is exactly what the doctor ordered after two narrow losses.
The Pessimist: Cliché alert. Speaking of the Bulldogs, there’s nothing those guys would like more than to pay you back for dealing them last-second losses each of the last two years.
The Optimist: They can try but they haven’t looked like the same team without the star tailback who graduated last spring and the receiver who grad transferred to Stanford. Their starting QB, by the way, missed last week and if he’s out this one won’t be a nailbiter an more than their 38-25 loss last week at Cornell was a nailbiter.
The Pessimist: We’ll talk next week when we know if their starter, who tossed five TDs in the opener, is back. I imagine he’d be salivating looking at your box score from Monmouth.
The Optimist: Then we come back home to play 2-3 Merrimack, hardly a program that scares anyone.
The Pessimist: They sure scared you a couple of years ago when you needed a 32-yard field goal at the horn to survive the Warriors.
The Optimist: Aw c’mon they’ve given up 45, 42 and 34 points in their three losses.
The Pessimist: Yup, to then-ranked Rhode Island, FBS Delaware and No. 3/4 Tarleton. I notice they’ve won two of their last three including at Maine, a CAA team. Look past them at your peril.
The Optimist: We will put a 2-0 Ivy League record on the line at Columbia and while I’m sure the Lions faithful are excited to be 2-0 themselves right now, they’ve gone to overtime in both wins against what the BGA guy’s research shows are two of the worst teams in the country.
The Pessimist: They are 2-0 and you are 0-2. Enough said.
The Optimist: With a big crowd and everyone geeked up for Harvard, Week Seven against the Crimson is always fun. They sure didn’t distinguish themselves against Brown on national TV last Friday.
The Pessimist: It’s been a while since Week Seven against the Crimson has been much fun for you. I just tallied it up and not only have they won the last three games in the series with you, but they have won 24 of the last 28 matchups.
The Optimist: That will just make beating them that much sweeter. After crushing the Crimson we’ve got a Princeton team that we’ve beaten 12 times in the last 15 meetings.
The Pessimist: I love the way people call football games “meetings.” The Tigers, in case you are wondering, won their meeting with Albany last week, 22-0. The Monmouth team that just beat you had all they could handle before beating the Great Danes, 28-20.
The Optimist: Great Danes is a terrible name for a football team unless they play in Copenhagen. After Princeton we’ve got Cornell, which took it in the nect against Colgate a couple of weeks ago, 20-7.
The Pessimist: Next time I pick games, I think I’m going to pick a few 20-7 scores. Interesting that you skipped over the fact that they beat Yale last week.
The Optimist: Trust me, it’s a different game if the regular Yale QB plays. And finally, we close out against a Brown team that managed just 10 points against Harvard last week.
The Pessimist: True, but you may have noticed Brown allowed a Harvard team that a week earlier scored 31 at New Hampshire to score just 14 points. They didn’t rack up the points last week but given how good their offense has historically been, if they are any good on defense they are going to hot stuff.
The Optimist: Speaking of hot stuff, I saw that with the drought conditions moderating, they’re actually going to have a bonfire on the Green again this year for Homecoming. See you there?
The Pessimist: See you later!