Editor’s Note: The Optimist and The Pessimist made their debut even before Big Green Alert started in 2005. When you visualize the pair, think of Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys from The Muppets.
The Optimist, as you might have surmised, is 100 percent convinced Dartmouth is going to win every time out. And even if he’s not, he’s going to tell you why they will win.
The Pessimist is convinced the sky is falling every Saturday (and now the occasional Friday). He is well aware there are days when the Big Green will probably win, but he’ll never admit it.
Neither old guy should be taken literally. Their bickering and bantering is simply to get you thinking about the possibilities before each game, and over the course of the season.
One final note. A few years ago a BGA reader threatened to order a “hit” on The Pessimist. She never did and he’s still, in a term she actually used in an email, a “puke.”
Without further ado . . .
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Why don't you get things started?
HANOVER – Fittingly, the fellows arrived at their usual establishment from opposite directions at exactly the same moment. They are sitting at their regular table perusing menus they can recite by heart when they start going at it.
The Optimist: Can’t wait for the ’26 season to get started. I’m excited to be playing Lehigh. Enough of openers like Valparaiso, or Jacksonville or Stetson.
The Pessimist: You may be longing for an opponent like that after Saturday. It’s been a while since you opened against a Top-25 team.
The Optimist: You mean like, uh, last year when we didn’t just open against one, but we beat No. 23 New Hampshire?
The Pessimist: New Hampshire was better than those cupcakes, for sure. But that was at home, and remind me what UNH was ranked at the end of the season. Nevermind. I’ll remind you. They weren’t ranked after losing five games.
The Optimist: Our goal is always to win the Ivy League and now to go to the FCS playoffs. Beating a Top-10 Lehigh team would certainly get the committee’s attention when we get there.
The Pessimist: Slow down there, big fella. First you’ve got to beat them, and they’ve won, let’s see, 20 regular season games in a row.
The Optimist: Want to guess the last team to beat them before they went off on that streak?
The Pessimist: I’m sure you’ll tell me.
The Optimist: An Ivy League team. Yale by a 38-23 score on Oct. 19, 2024.
The Pessimist: That was almost two years ago.
The Optimist: I’m telling you, we can beat the Engineers.
The Pessimist: I agree.
The Optimist: Stop the presses. You agree with me?
The Pessimist: Absolutely. I am confident you can beat MIT and RPI, maybe on the same day. For the record, Lehigh used to be the Engineers, but they became the Mountain Hawks in the mid-1990s.
The Optimist: I've told you before I'm not a fan of you talking in italics, but I stand corrected, on the nickname at least. Don’t forget, we handled the Engine . . . I mean Mountain Hawks easily the last time we played, 34-17 at Memorial Field in 2023.
The Pessimist: That was a 2-9 team that certainly didn’t have a running back like Luke Yoder, who ran for 169 yards in his team’s 44-20 thrashing of No. 16 William & Mary last week.
The Optimist: Thrashing, huh? You must have wanted to be a sportswriter. After we stun your Mountain Hawks we play host to the Monmouth Hawks, who were supposed to be pretty good this year, but are 1-2 with their only win over Sacred Heart.
The Pessimist: Are you a bird brain or something? Sorry, I couldn’t help it with you guys playing "M" Hawks two weeks in a row. For the record, yes, Monmouth is 1-2 but the losses have come to Western Michigan, which was a second away from beating Michigan, and Tennessee Tech, which is 3-0 and ranked 10th in the nation by STATs. These birds are not pigeons.
The Optimist: We improve to a 3-0 a week later when we have Penn at home. They have a new coach, graduated two of the best receivers in the Ivy League and are starting a freshman quarterback this week.
The Pessimist: Their new coach knows a freshman quarterback can get the job done because he did it at New Hampshire, where he would go on to be a three-time All-America. And so know, Penn’s freshman QB chose the Quakers over offers from a number of FBS schools. Say what you will, that Ivy League opener against Penn will be a bar fight. It always is.
The Optimist: After winning our Ivy League opener we head down to Yale where we came back from a 21-point deficit midway through the fourth quarter and broke their hearts two years ago in overtime. Just for good measure we tortured their ticker again last year, beating them with a 51-yard field goal as time expired. We’ve beaten Yale six times in the last eight tries.
The Pessimist: Five things. First, I can’t imagine there’s any team Yale would rather beat than Dartmouth. OK, I take that back. Harvard, but other than the Crimson, you are it. Second, the game is down at the Bowl. Third, you know they are going to be playing with their hair on fire given the fight their old coach, Tony Reno, is facing. Fourth, did you really say "tortured their ticker?"And finally, you'll recall that Yale has been chosen to win the Ivy League by everyone.
The Optimist: Not everyone. That BGA guy has them behind Harvard for sure, and maybe behind us. But I digress. After Yale we play host to Merrimack, which is 1-2 and will be 1-3 after losing at No. 4/5 Tarleton this week.
The Pessimist: Winning at Tarleton, wherever that is, will be tough. But you do realize Merrimack won at CAA Maine last week, right? And I assume you remember you needed a field goal with three seconds left to beat Merrimack last year, 16-14.
The Optimist: Then we are on to Columbia where we won last year, 49-3. We’ve taken four straight and six of seven from the Lions.
The Pessimist: Don’t forget they won a share of the Ivy League title just two years ago. Finishing last in 2025 and being picked last this year has lit a fire under ‘em, I’m sure.
The Optimist: Then it’s Harvard and there’s nothing more fun than stealing their candy on Halloween.
The Pessimist: Good luck with that. The game was moved up one day for TV reasons.
The Optimist: Not a fan of those Friday Night Lights.
The Pessimist: It will be Mischief Night so don't be surprised if they do the football equivalent of toilet papering the Lone Pine for fun.
The Optimist: Then we hit the road for back-to-back games at Princeton and Cornell. That’s a lot of windshield time but when you add in Brown back home in Week 10, we finish with the three teams picked to finish sixth, seventh and eighth in an eight-team league. Pretty good scheduling, huh?
The Pessimist: Let’s take them one at a time, shall we? You are 3-3 in your last six against Cornell so that's no walkover. That BGA guy seems to think Princeton can be the surprise team in the Ivy League this year. Oh, and Brown actually beat you last year.
The Optimist: Whatever. I’m just excited that our long wait is over.
The Pessimist: Me too. But before we go, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a good thing that the wait to open the season will be one week shorter next year.
The Optimist: We’re on the same page, for once.
The Pessimist: Same page, different book. See you next week my friend.