The Optimist And The Pessimist After New Hampshire
HANOVER – Love 'em or hate 'em – and there are a lot of people on both sides of that aisle – The Optimist and The Pessimist are back for the 20th year.
Editor’s Note: The irascible old boys get together one morning each week to bat Dartmouth’s football fortunes back and forth. (Think Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets.) Because there are some newcomers out there who aren’t familiar with their act, they’ve been asked to introduce themselves for the second year in a row and this time they refused. They don’t agree on much but they were of one voice in saying to simply reprise last year’s introduction so they can get on with what's important. With that in mind, here’s how they introduced themselves a year ago.
The Optimist: I guess I’ll go first. I’m a huge believer in the Dartmouth football program and as the name implies, I see the glass as half full. OK, that's not quite right. I see it as completely full. Over the top as the other guy would probably describe it. Even when my friend is getting a little snarky, I try to maintain civility no matter what cheap shots he takes knocking the team I love. My hope is to point out the absolute best outcomes possible.
The Pessimist: The name says it all. I’m all about pointing out that even in those times when the glass is half full whatever is in it must be undrinkable. You aren’t supposed to take what I say to the bank, but maybe to the local 7-11. I’m occasionally funny and I know I’m a little rude but hope you don’t take it personally. My only guard rail is this: I'll never say anything nasty about a player or a coach. True story, there was a woman a few years back who threatened to take out a hit on me. As for the snarky part? Snark is my middle name.
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The Optimist: That was a really great game Saturday. I couldn’t help thinking about the last time we opened with a win over New Hampshire on Memorial Field.
The Pessimist: I remember that well. It was 2016 and you won, 22-21.
The Optimist: Thanks for remembering. You’ll also recall that just like this time, we made a critical fourth down stop at the end while upsetting a perennial powerhouse team. That’s got to be a sign of things to come.
The Pessimist: You better hope it isn’t.
The Optimist: You are making me nervous.
The Pessimist: Rightfully so. After your upset of perennial powerhouse New Hampshire in that game you went on to finish 1-6 in the Ivy League.
The Optimist: That was our only losing season since 2009. It's not something I’m worried about.
The Pessimist: I’ll give you something to worry about. This week’s game at Central Connecticut.
The Optimist: You’re kidding, right? They are 2-2 but their wins are over Division II American International and soon-to-be Division III St. Francis. UConn crushed ‘em, 59-13.
The Pessimist: You can only beat the teams on your schedule so I’m not going to knock them for their wins. Yes, they got whacked by UConn in their opener. But don’t forget, last year they lost their money game at Central Michigan even worse – 66-10 – and later in the season they came within one play at the end of the game of beating you on Memorial Field.
The Optimist: Be serious. They lost last week at Merrimack. I mean, Merrimack?
The Pessimist: Close game. Merrimack needed a field goal on the final play to pull that one out. And I seem to remember you needed a field goal at the end last year to pull out your game at Merrimack. The fact that Central Connecticut took Merrimack to the gun ought to scare you.
The Optimist: Listen up. As defending Ivy League champions we are not going to lose a game against a team from the lowly Northeast Conference.
The Pessimist: Oh no? You were defending Ivy League champions in 2022, right? I'll answer for you. Yes you were, and you lost, 38-31, at Sacred Heart, which just so happens to be a member of the Northeast Conference, which you disparaged. I'll have you know, last year's NEC champion pushed No. 10 Rhode Island to the limit in the FCS playoffs you aspire to play in. That NEC champion? Yup, Central Connecticut, which was picked to repeat this year in the "lowly" NEC.
The Optimist: OK, after we take care of Central Connecticut we are at Penn. The Quakers looked more like the Quakees in their opener. They needed a field goal at the end to win at Stonehill, which was a DII school until the 2022 season.
The Pessimist: Quakees. You are back to talking in italics again, huh? For what it’s worth, Stonehill won at Maine the week before so they’re clearly not a DII school these days. As for Penn, you have a 40.5 win percentage at Franklin Field, not an easy place to play. It’s your second road game in a row and a long trip at that. The last time you played in Philly was in 2023 and you needed overtime to claim a 23-20 win over a team that would finish 3-4 in the Ivy League. Oh, and it’s not like you exactly lit them up last year. Let me remind you, the final against Penn at Buddy Teevens Stadium in 2024 was 20-17.
The Optimist: Then we get Yale. Our starting QB this year came off the bench down at the Bowl last October to lead us to a 44-43 come-from-behind win in overtime. That has to be in the Yalies’ heads.
The Pessimist: I’m sure it is, which is precisely why you better look out.
The Optimist: Then we get a week off.
The Pessimist: Did I miss something? There are no bye weeks in the Ivy League.
The Optimist: Fordham is the next best thing. They are 0-4 giving up 66, 49, 44 and 41 points in those losses, with the last two coming against previously winless Stony Brook and previously winless Colgate.
The Pessimist: Better hope "previously winless" doesn't make it into the story after your game with the Rams. Fordham isn’t very good but it’s another long trip, it’s their Homecoming, and you’ve had a history of unaccountable stumbles in recent years against bad teams. Seriously, you are 3-3 in your last six games with Cornell.
The Optimist: Then we have Columbia here and we’re not going to lose to those guys in front of a national TV audience in a Friday night game.
The Pessimist: You mean like you did the last time Columbia came to town for a Friday night game broadcast across the nation? Let me refresh your memory. You went 9-1 that year and the Lions didn’t just beat you. They humiliated you, 19-0.
The Optimist: If you think Yale remembers what happened on their home field against us last year, we remember what happened on our home field against Harvard last year. We’ll be ready for them.
The Pessimist: I’m not going to read too much into the preseason Ivy League favorite beating overmatched Stetson last week, 59-7, but it’s hard to avoid noting that your preseason Ivy League favorite led at halftime, 45-0.
The Optimist: After we dispatch Harvard we finish off another HYP sweep with a win over a Princeton team that blew a 21-0 lead last week at home against San Diego.
The Pessimist: Granted, not much to smile about in Tiger Town after the Toreros woke up in a game that started at 9 a.m. their time. But keep in mind that San Diego did have an overtime win against No. 24 Southern Utah a couple of weeks before coming east, so maybe that wasn’t as bad a loss as it seemed.
The Optimist: We close out our home schedule against Cornell and our guys are well aware, I’m sure, of the difficulty they’ve had with the Big Red. They will be ready to do something about it.
The Pessimist: They thought they were ready last year and still they needed help to win a share of the title last year because they didn't take care of business against Cornell.
The Optimist: We’ll wrap up another championship season with another blowout win against Brown. We slapped 56 point on them last year and have averaged a whopping 41 points while beating the seven times in a row.
The Pessimist: I know it’s hard to believe, but Brown may have figured something out defensively. They actually shut out Georgetown in their opener. The Hoyas had been averaging – wait for it – 39.7 points per game coming in.
The Optimist: Nice try old friend. But I’m not buying what you are selling. We both saw the only thing that matters at Buddy Teevens last week. This is a Dartmouth team that’s ready to run the table.
The Pessimist: Time will tell if that's true. If we don't find out this week against Central Connecticut, we'll find out next week at Penn. If not then, when Yale comes to town a week later. If not against Yale . . .
The Optimist: Sorry to interrupt your spiel, old boy, but I get the idea. Same bat time, same bat channel next week?
The Pessimist: That wasn’t funny last time, Bullwinkle. See you then.
