The Optimist-The Pessimist Before Cornell
BGA (Nov. 11) – The Optimist has been checking his watch every five minutes or so and is on the verge of leaving before The Pessimist finally saunters through the door.
The Optimist: I was about to head out. I thought maybe you finally saw the light and decided to punt our last couple of meetings.
The Pessimist: No such luck, my friend. I was just caught off-guard.
The Optimist: Seriously? You can’t possibly have expected the worst Princeton team in more than a decade to beat us.
The Pessimist: That’s not what surprised me.
The Optimist: OK then, why exactly did you keep me waiting?
The Pessimist: It’s Monday.
The Optimist: And?
The Pessimist: And we always meet on Tuesdays. I never changed that reminders thingie on my tablet last summer when they moved your game up a day for TV. Fortunately, I was reading a story about Cornell's game against Penn and that saved me. The story mentioned that you are the Big Red’s next opponent and, you'll be interested to know, reported how you struggled past Princeton on Friday.
The Optimist: I’ll buy all of that except the “struggled past Princeton” part. I’ll grant you that we didn’t blow them out, but we were never in trouble.
The Pessimist: I don’t know about that. Up seven points and punting with less than three minutes left sounds like a struggle to me. A bad snap, a shanked punt, a big return or just a blown coverage and a weak Princeton team is deciding whether to play for overtime or go for two and the win that would knock you out of the Ivy League lead.
The Optimist: It never came down to that and was never going to come down to that thanks to that clutch punt and then a hard pass rush that resulted in a safety. Sure, the final score wasn’t all that impressive, but keep in mind Princeton had just 180 yards of total offense. No one’s going to beat us with 180 yards of total offense.
The Pessimist: How about if they have 569 yards of total offense and 49 points? That’s what your next opponent had last week.
The Optimist: True and here’s something else that’s true. Our next opponent lost that game because Penn had 627 yards of offense and 67 points against their defense. Cornell can move the ball but yikes, they can’t stop anyone.
The Pessimist: If this week's game comes down to a track meet I wish you luck. The Big Red quarterback has thrown for almost 1,000 yards more than the guy you played last week, leads the Ivies with 22 touchdown passes and, oh by the way, is in the top-10 in the league in rushing yardage. He has the leading wide receiver in the conference and his top running back is averaging more yards per carry than your top guy.
The Optimist: None of those guys play defense, do they? Speaking of which, I can’t help but notice Cornell has allowed almost 107 points more than you have, and they've given up twice what Columbia has allowed. You'll be glad to know I really do expect a lot of points to be scored Saturday. What you won’t be glad to know is I fully expect most of them to be scored by us.
The Pessimist: For the record, I seem to recall Cornell wasn’t exactly a defensive juggernaut the last time you played out there, either. That was in 2022 and their stats say they allowed precisely 30 points against nine opponents that fall. You, however, managed just 13 points in a loss to them. Maybe they have your number.
The Optimist: Speaking of points, I wish Harvard good luck keeping up with Penn down in Philly. I take that back. I don’t wish them good luck, but they are going to need it after Penn racked up those 67 points on Cornell last week. It's pretty simple. If we win and Penn wins, we are guaranteed at the very least a share of the title, no matter what happens next week.
The Pessimist: Slow down there, big fella. Penn has the worst pass-efficiency defense in the Ivy League and Harvard has the best pass-efficiency offense in the league. That doesn’t bode well for the Quakers. But we shouldn’t be getting ahead of ourselves.
The Optimist: Aw c’mon. You know that’s how I roll. Not that it’s going to play out this way, but let’s assume for argument’s sake both Dartmouth and Harvard win this week. I still like our chances if it comes down to that. I mean, Harvard has to play a strong Yale team in that little soirée they have each year. The Bulldogs have won three of their last four games this fall as well as their last two against the Crimson. As for us, we’re home against a Brown team that has lost five of its last six games, with the only win a two-point victory over hapless Cornell. Advantage Dartmouth.
The Pessimist: Where do I start? I’ll grant you that Brown is struggling, but their passing game can give people fits. They’ll watch your tape against Cornell and be more than ready to exploit what they learn. And while it hasn’t bitten you in the past, don’t forget your guys will be in exams. As for Harvard-Yale, no one at Harvard needs to be reminded that the Bulldogs not only denied the Crimson the outright championship last year but ended up earning a share of it as well as bragging rights. Harvard will be ready. And while I’m at it, there’s one more thing.
The Optimist: You sound like Steve Jobs back in the day when he was introducing the next iPhone or MacBook. I’ll bite. What’s your last thing?
The Pessimist: Don’t forget there’s still a chance for a three-way tie for the title. If you and Harvard each lose a game, Columbia can grab a share of the title for the first time since 1961 with a win at Brown and another at home against Cornell next week.
The Optimist: That would be an unbelievable story, just not one I want to read.
The Pessimist: If could be worse. If you and Harvard lose your final two games and Columbia wins them the Lions would be outright champions.
The Optimist: Now you are getting silly.
The Pessimist: Call it my parting shot. I’ll see you next Monday. I mean Tuesday.
